And finally, the concluding part of Monday’s story:
Next, I wanted fresh flowers to be delivered to me everyday. Then I thought of the Lagos traffic the delivery man will face. By the time he gets to my place coupled with the scorching sun, the fresh flowers must have withered away.
Buying me vegetable leaves so I could use them for soup in place of flowers seems a better option but which Nigerian man is ready to enter our dirty markets to buy leaves for his lover?
Fresh flowers delivery✗
Next, I wanted a situation where my lover will climb up my window late at night (Romeo and Juliet) just to give me a kiss or remind me how much he loves me. Then I remembered Nigeria and jungle justice. As far as my kind-hearted neighbours are concerned, he climbed my window to steal my phones and valuables. He’ll be told to either accept that fact or die.
Before I run down my three-storey building to explain he came to ‘whisper sweet nothings’ to me, the only difference between my lover and a sallah ram will be the tyre around his neck.
Climbing windows/fence for love✗
Next, those road trips couples make in Hollywood movies are really cool but not feasible in Nigeria.
If you’re in Lagos, before you get out of the endless traffic, the leave you took from work to go on a romantic trip would have lapsed meaning the journey might end before it starts. That aside, where are you going drive to? Ikwuano Road? (Abia State Government please do something about that deplorable road), Benin Ore Road? Do potholes turn you on?
Okay you want to drive to the North? You know those Boko Haram guys have no time to watch romantic Hollywood movies. They won’t even give you an opportunity to explain who Jack from Titanic is before they separate your head from your body.
Romantic road trips ✗
Next, I wanted a situation where my lover will be the first person to SMS everyday with something romantic like:
“Good morning Sunshine”
Unfortunately, that is impossible in Nigeria because MTN will beat him to that.
Before his messages eventually come, I must have gotten about four good morning SMS from MTNN, 4100, 5030 and 33314 making MTN my main boyfriend.
Good morning sunshine messages✗
Since every romantic idea I though of didn’t seem feasible, I tried out taking a long walk with Loverboy late in the evening while we held hands. This should be easy and there are no risks I thought.
Loverboy reluctantly agreed to that just to satisfy me. We walked for thirty minutes till we got to a grassland.
“Dear, let’s lie on the grass and count the stars just like Nala and Simba did in The Lion King” I suggested.
I mean if mere Lions could be that romantic, Nigerian men have no excuse!
I was such a hypocrite to suggest that; reasons:
1. Watching or counting the stars is BORINGGGGGG especially when there’s no suya to munch away.
2. I hate counting anything if its not money.
3. I am extremely poor in mathematics.
Loverboy might dump me right there when he realizes I don’t know how to count anything from 11 above. Luckily for me they were only seven visible stars that night. I was safe.
Everything was going on well until sand flies gate crashed our little party.
I must have murdered over fifteen sand flies.
Then I heard him scream.
“What’s that Loverboy?”
“It’s papa o, it has bitten my nose!”
The boss of insects has arrived I thought.
I hope you all know papa is that annoying little insect that is always in a bad mood.
“Let’s go home.” I felt bad Loverboy was in so much pains.
We started the long walk back. A few metres walk and we heard a deep voice:
“Who goes there”
Arrrgghhh!!! Nigerian agberos won’t even let someone be romantic in peace.
Two huge agberos walked up to us.
One of them brought out a knife.
“Oya give me your phones!”
Luckily for me I was not with a phone. He took Loverboy’s phone and ordered us to run like Lot’s wife without looking back.
The next day, Loverboy boy’s swollen nose from the insect bite reminded me of the pyramid of Egypt.
One look at him and I vowed never to force a Nigerian man to be romantic.
The End. Till next week.
Naija Single Girl is a satirist, lifestyle blogger, brand storyteller, and most importantly, the Chairlady of all the single girls in Nigeria.
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