I spent the whole of yesterday evening watching Hollywood romantic movies. When I was done, I wept for my single status all night. I felt like I deserve to be arrested for being single.
These Hollywood guys know how to make love/ dating look so beautiful. The images I saw of them kissing, holding hands, looking into each other eyes, whispering sweet nothings (what does that mean anyway?) will surely keep me depressed for days. When this mood eventually fades, I’m going back to the best movies for single ladies, Horror Movies!
As much as I admire those romantic nonsense, its difficult to practice them in Nigeria. Any girl/woman that complains her Nigerian boyfriend/husband is not romantic is simply callous.
Ladies, are you still looking for a guy that’s gonna spread red roses on the bed every night? Have you seen red roses before apart from hibiscus flowers? You still want to fall asleep with romantic candles around your bed like its a deliverance session? Do you know its really difficult, time consuming and expensive to be romantic in this country?
I know why I’m asking these questions. I’ve been there and as usual, I’m here to share my experiences.
Aside the two and a half men I dated, they were several quarters I had. I choose to call them quarters (I’ll refer to them as Loverboys in all my posts) because I never said yes to their relationship proposal. At the same time I got jealous whenever they were around other girls. I guess loneliness and fear of heartbreak were responsible for this my despicable behaviour.
Back then I had stacks of Mills & Boon novels.
I loved Jack & Kate kind of love.
I was a die-hard fan of Romeo & Juliet.
A couple of times, my obsession with the above characters had me speaking old English to my male admirers.
I wondered which guy would paint me nude like it happened in Titanic without drugging and raping me afterwards.
I also liked how Jack in Titanic died for Kate like a real man making it look like death is nothing.
I wondered which Nigerian guy would volunteer to die for me.
I wanted to experience those things I read so bad…
My first fantasy was to lie by a natural waterside with my lover while we tell ourselves ‘sweet nothings’. We might even strip and dive into the water like it happens abroad. Then I remembered Loverboy, like most Nigerian men, has a big tummy full of fufu. The pressure of the 15kg of fufu in his tummy might just drown him. Aside that, my enemies might be lurking around with camera phone waiting to take my nudes.
Okay, no diving! We’ll just lie by the waterside.
I thought of a suitable beach we could visit. No idea, so I googled the words ‘lying down with boyfriend in a Nigerian Beach’.
-Two dead bodies found lying in Elegushi Beach aftermath of severe tide.
-Boyfriend machetes girlfriend to death at a popular beach in Lagos.
-A dead fish suspected to be shark found at Beach in Nigeria.
-Birthday party turns mourning ground as a final year undergraduate of UNILAG drowns in Beach.
Bad news in beaches.
Water might even wash us away while we are busy whispering sweet nothings. I didn’t want a situation where I’ll lie on the beach sand with my lover only to open my eyes to see him in hell while I’m chilling in heaven. LOL.
Whatever happened to those sort of cool deaths that ends with car chases, explosions in slow motion and several police helicopters hovering around one body?
I thought of going for rivers.
River Niger was the only River I could think of. It means we are gonna drive down all the way to Onitsha just to lie under bridge like refuges just because I want to experience romance? The government even said Niger Bridge might collapse soon. What if it collapses on our head while we are busy whispering ‘sweet nothings’? How am I going to explain what we were doing to Angel Gabriel when I arrive at heaven’s gate?
I don’t even want to mention all the disgusting refuse by River Niger and other ‘yama yama’.
Love is not that serious so I ruled out rivers.
Okay I was going to settle for streams, I thought.
I called a friend that stays in the outskirts of town to inquire if I could visit their village stream for ‘romantic purposes’:
“My dear, you can go o BUT you are at your own risk o! I heard that’s where they do sacrifice to gods. Aside that, there is a harmless python that…”
“Okay okay okay! I don’t want to hear more!” I cut her off at the mention of the word python. How am I going to explain the snake bites to my parents all in the name of romance?
Lying by the waterside in Nigeria✗
To be continued…
Naija Single Girl is a satirist, lifestyle blogger, brand storyteller, and most importantly, the Chairlady of all the single girls in Nigeria.