“The ultimate life is one that brings you ultimate comfort and others, as less as possible discomfort” someone once said that to me over drinks. I’ve always been the one who goes overboard once I care about someone. I’ve always derived happiness from seeing people happy, I’ve always been scared of loosing people and scared of people even, and people have always taken advantage of it. Once they saw my fears, they preyed on it. So I started to hide so people don’t see how vulnerable I can be. In his case, I hid for a while but at some point I got comfortable and let it out and he did the exact same thing.
Often times we assume people will treat us the way we treat them. The truth is that the average human being is selfish and the world we live in encourages it.
So I learnt that my job is to make ‘me’ happy, first. especially when it comes to relationships. I have the most amazing friends. We all do the most for each other. Love is meant to be sacrifice, but I will not sacrifice something that is fundamental to my happiness. Those are the ones that hurt the most, because someday I will expect the other person to do the same and their actions would say “did I beg you?”
If there is anything I require at all to make me happy and you are not willing to do it, face the door and stop occupying space in my life. If you ever want to leave, face the door. I have learnt that I am the price here. I have learnt to do what makes me happy. I’m working on myself, my hurt, my goals. To become a better person for myself, for those who love me, for those who look up to me. I have learnt to never accept less than I deserve no matter the situation. I have learnt to choose me.
On one of the days I went out, I was crying and a guy approached me. He asked what the problem was, I couldn’t talk so he just handed me the paper towel he got me and asked me to punch in my phone number and I did.
When I got home that evening he called me and asked again why I was crying after exchanging pleasantries. I laughed and then said “because of man”. He said he knew. He said that only genuine love could make someone break down in a public place because of another person and that I should be happy I can still feel love because it is rare in our world of today. I smiled to myself and told him thank you. Then he called my name.
When I answered he said “I lost my dad at a very young age and I thought I was going to die. What you are going through now I have gone through it. Not just from my dad but also from women I have loved, but the death of my dad thought me something and I’ll share with you” he said “my dear, no matter how much you love someone there is nobody you cannot live without.”
This hit the right nerves and it made me ask myself “why exactly do you think you can’t live without someone that is so sure they can live without you?”. If he was strong enough to let me go, then I am equally strong enough to go.
On that same day, a friend of mine who knew myself and Ken said to me “no matter how much you think he loved you, he did not value you”. I am so certain he saw my confusion on my face because he continued and said “there is the line between love and value that makes a huge difference. You cannot teach someone to value you. You cannot pray it into someone. They can only see that you are worth it for themselves, and believe it when I say that you are more than worth it. But I don’t think you know it.”