I knelt down. Fully aware that I have been fornicating, drinking alcohol, doing things that might be considered unclean but not neglecting the fact that He doesn’t care about my sins. That He loves me regardless. I knew very well that even if no-one on earth could help me out of this, that He could.
So with all the tears welling up in my eyes, pouring down my cheeks. With my swollen and red eyeballs, my body shaking, my heart pounding, my knees shivering and not being able to hold balance, I only looked up and said “I can’t do this without you. I am scared. I need strength”. I couldn’t say a long prayer, I didn’t even have the words to even if I wanted to, but I was confident that I had invited God into the situation.
I cried all night. I didn’t wait for dawn. At about 5am I got up and started to prepare. I hadn’t planned anything for the day still I knew that staying at home was a bad idea. even as I prepared I cried. I could not control it. At some point I felt like I was running out of breath and I would stop and catch my breathe again. My heart kept pounding like it was about to jump out, my body kept shaking. My phone rang. It was one of the friends I had texted the night before. As I answered the phone she replied with “are you crying?” Even I myself could tell that I was drained, my voice sounded like weakness, like pain. I started crying even more. Then she asked me a question. She said “do you know who you are?”