Recently, in my course of browsing some entertainment and fashions blogs, the images I see from bridal showers aroused my curiosity. Photos of happy ladies holding pink balloons, wearing crowns, blushes, cakes etc.
It seems this western trend has become an important segment in the series of Nigerian pre-wedding events.
Last year, my colleague that was about to tie the knot kept pestering one of her ‘daddies’ for money to host her bridal shower party.
I thought this was the responsibility of the groom-to-be? Or maybe the groom-to-be is not into western culture? Or the bride didn’t want to feel left out?
She made it look like a do or die event.
I had questions to ask but I didn’t want to come across as jealous so I had to keep my mouth shut.
A few weeks ago, a friend told me to accompany her to the market to buy items she needed for her bridal shower party. When we got there, I was surprised to see her buying egusi, vegetable leaves, palm oil, goat meat etc. Why would she be buying stuffs like that when this was more of a western thing? I needed to be at the party to see things for myself but alas, I wasn’t invited.
The only solution to satisfy this curiosity was to gate-crash a random bridal shower since Naija Single Girl’s friends/colleagues didn’t deem her worthy enough to send an IV.
Finally, I had the opportunity last weekend. I went for a book launch in a hotel and on getting inside, some ladies dressed in skimpy clothes walked past me with balloons to the left wing of the hotel.
I didn’t know when I aborted my initial mission and followed them.
“You are here for Esther’s bridal shower right?” One of them asked me.
“Yes.” I replied
I couldn’t believe my luck.
I was lead to one of the mini-suites where I met about 18 other unfamiliar faces including the bride. I had to act cool to avoid suspicion.
The bride-to-be was looking more like a widow than a bride and she wore her crown like it was a crown of thorns.
It was more like she was forced to host the party.
Other females were dressed in bum shorts with the exception of me, the uninvited guest.
I sat at the far end of the king-sized bed looking like an election observer.
The party better be worth it, I prayed silently.
Forty minutes gone and the party was yet to start. I was getting impatient! Were these people awaiting the arrival of Toke Makinwa or what?
Every time I made a decision to leave, the inviting party cake seemed to tell me ‘Loser, don’t you want a bite of me’ and then I’ll find myself saying “Okay, ten more minutes.”
Finally, the MC, one slim girl with the driest sense of humour arrived.
The first thing she said was “Because your name is Esther and you are bleached does not make you established.”
All the bush girls were laughing hysterically at this 1967 joke except me. (These girls need to read NSG. Lol)
She continued cracking more dry jokes.
The only thing that made me laugh with them was the MC’s face. Her hideous makeup was funnier than her jokes.
Afterwards, we were called out one after the other to give a one-minute speech about the bride. I was the first and the MC refused to take no for an answer.
“Esther is a good and nice girl, she’s getting married and I’m so happy for her” I blurted out ignorantly.
At least I got her name right, thanks to the girls I followed in.
Afterwards, we were called out for Truth & Dare game. Me, being the first once again.
I was dared to call my boyfriend on speaker to tell him I miss kissing him.
I just stood in front of all them scrolling my contacts. I saw my daddy’s number. I saw my friends’ boyfriends’ numbers. I saw my brother’s number. I got to letter Z and no boyfriend number.
Then it hit me! I am Naija Single Girl without a boyfriend. I didn’t have the strength to explain that to these daughters of Eve so I hurriedly dropped my N1000 fine. Literally, society charged me for being single. *sobs*
After the other girls had played the game, it was time for refreshment.
One of the girls started sharing hot coke and cabin biscuit of all things.
See, I don’t know about you reading this but the amount of cabin biscuits I ate while in primary and secondary school are not less than 3781 pieces (yup! I kept count).
“Is this all you have?” I asked the girl that handed me the biscuits with boiled coke.
“Ehen.” She rudely replied
“What of that cake over there?”
“We are not cutting it! It’s for the wedding!” I was pissing her off already.
Huh? What were these yahoo girls telling me? So the cake was a scam too? It was just a decoration in the room?
You broke Nigerian girls need to chill!
Bridal shower is not by force!
The pain I felt was so painful. Lol.
The hot coke was beginning to burn my throat. Before I could think of a way to ‘steal’ my N1000 back from the Truth & Dare container, the sad looking bride-to-be had already pocketed it.
Literally, I was the chief sponsor of the cabin biscuit and these minions won’t even give me my change which amounted up to N590.
They were no male strippers like it happens abroad, just some a-cups girls on low cut dancing azonto while we cracked our cabin biscuit.
I regretted not going for the book launch.
Is this what happens in a Nigerian bridal shower or did I miss my way?
If you have one coming soon, send me an invite, I’d like to go for a real one.
Naija Single Girl is a satirist, lifestyle blogger, brand storyteller, and most importantly, the Chairlady of all the single girls in Nigeria.
Want more NSG? Buy her book here!